America’s Next Top Model All-Stars Recap: The Girl Who Is Tookie (Cycle 17, Episode 12)
I was so naive to think that the All-Star Cycle was starting to normal out. Top Model Town has officially been promoted (or demoted, depending on how you look at it) to Modelland. In Spanish, that would be “Mode-y-and.” We’re down to four girls and the eliminations are just getting harder. Except for Dominique. I’m with Angelea – “Oh well! Sayonara!”
This week, the girls had their biggest challenge yet — writing a blog post. Clearly, this is a challenge worthy of a week’s vacation in Crete for two. Every post I write, I get a million dollars and a brand new car. The girls had three hours to travel around the island, take pictures and write about something that inspired them — you know, what normal people do everyday for fun. Nigel Barker and Franca Sozzani, ANTM’s resident subtitled, old bag lady, would be judging the challenge.
Tyra, there's something on your face you might want to get checked out.
Allison was critiqued for her post being too short and too “high-faluten”, as Nigel said, all because she made a reference to the Greek mythological character, Persephone. That kind of high literary reference just ain’t gon’ fly with our here Vogue Italia readers, Allison. Laura, in a running theme with Nigel, had pictures that came off too sexy given her country girl demeanor. Franca liked Lisa, who had personality in her post and had a focus of a Hollywood girl traveling the world. She even liked Angelea, who of all the beautiful places to go to in Crete, headed straight for the ghetto. That’s our Angelea! Cause when I want to see beautiful pictures of Crete, I need at least one that has a grafitti-filled wall in it. Look, it’s just like L.A! Despite this though, Angelea ended up winning the challenge and the week’s vacation, where she can visit the ghetto all she wants.
Speaking of ghetto, this week was a Tyra-directed “fashion” “film”. But Ty Ty decided to up her ego just a bit more and have the film be all about her new “best-selling” book, Modelland. Now, I haven’t read this book, but I’m planning on it now, especially after hearing Tyra herself read the first chapter. Here’s a quick synopsis from Amazon.com:
No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland—the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain—never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.
But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year.
Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers—if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. It’s fun, zany, and 100 bazillion-percent Tyra.
Squawk!
100 bazillion percent, guys! How can you turn that down? And who else would Tyra base her own character off of besides herself? Anyway, I have to read this book now. Along with Shore Thing, by Snooki and Dollhouse, by the Kardashian Sisters. Seriously though, Tyra was super excited about this thing. Before every commercial break, she teased us about it, and we could only hope that it would be epic (re: hilarious).
And it pretty much was. First, the girls ran through the streets of a Grecian set dressed up like Gladiator Big Birds — or “300 – woman style” as Laura put it. I’ve never read the Hunger Games, but this is kind of what I imagine it to be like. And I’m 99% certain that it is nothing like this. Apparently, there’s some sort of race to Modelland, or race in Modelland? I don’t know, but apparently, there’s a racing scene in the book, so we got running shots. Angelea, oddly enough, is the most awkward runner ever. “Run like a normal person!” Then Tyra brought in our Edward of Modelland — Tyson Beckford. He plays the love interest in the novel, but also Flag Waver, a very important and critical character. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter what character he plays cause I will still salivate over the “most famous male model in the world!” Mmm-hmm! And then there was more running.
He was also Horn Blower The Third Jr.
Next, the girls had their own individual shots. Each girl would be a different version of Tookie, who I guess is the only character in the book. Even Tyra was a version of Tookie — the version who gets to play with Tyson Beckford! Tyra gave all the good parts to herself. Naturally.
Laura was Whipped Cream Tookie. A very important character trait of Tookie is that she really likes whipped cream — probably because Tyra really likes whipped cream. Laura was tasked with squirting whipped cream into her mouth without looking vulgarly sexual, which is really just impossible, especially when someone’s yelling at you, “Don’t swallow! Don’t swallow! Spit! Spit!” This whole cycle has been riddled with phallic props — hot dogs, pickles and now whipped cream. Laura, who can strangely make pouring olive oil over her face erotic (for Nigel at least), failed. I’m sure this whipped cream thing plays a huge part in the novel somehow.
Lisa was Deranged Mother. She wasn’t really a version of Tookie, but another character related to Tookie. She’s crazy and is obsessed with a doll named Bellissima, so the part was practically written for Lisa. And of course, she nailed it.
Allison‘s dream came true when she got to shoot with blood oranges. See, this is important because Modelland smells completely of blood oranges. Why? Because Tyra really likes them, that’s why. I’m sure it’s explained in the novel. She also got to be Catwoman Tookie! In Modelland, there’s a place called the Catwalk Corridor where bad Intoxibellas are sent and are turned into cats. Wrap your mind around that sentence! I’m sure it’s explained in the novel . . . I think. Allison, once again, had a bit of trouble with her old enemy: The Sun. This might prove to be her downfall.
Angelea had an emotional breakthrough moment when she was tasked to play Emo Tookie. Tyra handed her a mini-toothbrush and told her that this was the emotional moment when Tookie’s father didn’t want her and she didn’t feel good enough. I’m sure it’s explained in the novel? Anyway, Angelea has been through some tough times — way tougher than the other girls who laugh and frolic among the flowers while Angelea bawls her eyes out once again. I like her, but holy cow this girl is an emotional trainwreck! 
Panel Time: This week is special because Tyra is taking a hint from Twilight and showing Part 1 of the “fashion” “film” tonight and Part 2 next week when the winner is revealed at the end.
What can I say about the piece? First, let me make it clear that Tyra says this is a “fashion interpretation” of the novel, whatever that means. So it’s with great caution that I say, I don’t know what the flying fetch this book is about just from watching the film. It’s really more of a music video, and a much better one than they did for Pot Ledom. Yet, it feels like a video Lady GaGa would do, once she ran out of ideas, and then put to a rip-off of Katy Perry‘s “E.T.” song. It’s just full of crazy editing and images that don’t really say much at all actually. There were dramatic head turns, blood oranges, whipped cream, and by the end of it, I was both mortified and hungry. Tyson Beckford licked his finger and rubbed it down Tyra’s face, after which she seductively put his finger in her mouth. Suddenly, her offering of her foundation to us in the opening credits makes a lot more sense. Or a lot less. It’s certainly not as weird as the fashion film from Cycle 15, but it did still have silly, supposed-to-be-sexy voice-overs. “Angelea. I’m Tookie.”
I don't know what this was about.
But the judges were madly in love with it because Tyra signs their paychecks, so huzzah! Time to judge the girls only though, not the “film”.
Angelea: I don’t know what she was wearing, but I think she’s trying to compete for Weirdest Outift with Lisa. The crying scene reminded Nigel of probably one of Angelea’s top photos from her cycle – the shadow photograph, which just also happened to be a Tyra-directed shoot. ALT, a bit less PMS-y this week, praised her for rising “from the depths of the well” and emerging from the ashes of last week. Nigel warned however, that she’s still a potential time bomb given her numerous emotional breakdowns so far. But Angelea was on her best behavior on the shoot — especially towards Mr. Beckford.
Laura: She was most criticized for engaging the camera too much and not making the action of squirting whipped cream into your mouth high fashion instead of porno. Nigel continued his critique that she was just too sexy in pictures and it didn’t jive with her “hee-haw elegance,” as ALT said it. P.S. I love the way he said “hee-haw.” Priceless.
I don't know what this was either.
Allison: Nigel was impressed by her, but he seems to be Allison’s number one fan. This shoot was right up her alley, and you know that Tyra gave her all the weird things on purpose. If she’d given a blood orange to Angelea, she wouldn’t have known what in the world to do with it. Tyson, though, is Bush Baby Eyes Immune, it seems, and was less impressed with her performance, mainly because she was too shy and quiet around him.
Neon-Pants Lisa: Another stellar performance from Lisa, but it was an easy one for her. She was in motion, which is where she excels the most. I even liked her “Keanu Reeves Matrix” moves too. She did her thing in Modelland and she skated on through to first call-out.
The big moment the previews would have you believe is that the judges couldn’t quite seem to decide who to cut – Allison or Laura. This got so intense that everyone was standing up! Well, almost everyone. ALT could probably care less by this point. After seventeen cycles, I finally got to put a face to the name Ken Mok, when he stepped in to tell everyone to start wrapping it up. We have other lives here, Tyra! It seemed that ALT and Tyson were for Laura, while Nigel argued vehemently for Allison. Pointing to Laura’s picture, Nigel said that if she came into his office, he’d say “Yes, I’d like a coffee black, please.” To be fair, I bet he says this to any woman who walks into his office. I would.
Finally, the looonnnggg deliberations came to an end. I guess it was long; it seemed the same amount of time to me. They should have had shots of the girls in the back whining to be let out already. It came down to Laura and Allison . . .
And Laura was sent home. I was actually upset. I was waiting for Tyra to pull a Project Runway and let them both stay for the finals, but it was not to be here in Modelland. Laura was definitely the sweetest of the bunch and she’ll be missed. I should have known she’d be going when they ran the adios edit of her mooing at the cows. “Moooooo!!! That’s how you talk to a cow.”
ANTM Extra Frames of the Night:
“All right, well I’m done lookin’ at it.” –Lisa, on Laura‘s photo.
“Since being on this cycle, it has come to my attention that I might be a little bit strange.” –Allison
One more for good measure.
Lisa: He has huge–! /Laura: The Biggest—! /Allison: *laughs* -The girls on Tyson Beckford. He probably gets this a lot.
Next week is the finale and we find out who’s America’s Next Top Model All-Star! Looks like the runway will be a bit of a doozy — flying is involved.
And for your pleasure, here is the Modelland Theme Song, tweeted by Tyra Banks herself. And you thought it couldn’t get worse than the Pot Ledom songs…
