America’s Got Talent Recap: I Just Went to Vegas! (Week 3, Night 2, Season 7)

“Does America Got Talent?!” Nick Cannon screams at St. Louis. English majors everywhere cringe as we think, “Does America Have Talent?” But sadly, correct grammar is not a viable talent on this show, especially for a million dollar headlining act in Vegas. Darn.

The gang is back in St. Louis because the talent pool is just overflowing there, and we have to see that arch just one more time. Nobody touch Howie’s mother, okay?! Heh, too late, Howie, if you know what I mean.

Acts Going To Vegas:

Isaac Ryan Brown: This kid should go head to head with Alexa from the first episode in a Battle Royale de Cuteness. The personality on this kid is amazing and he seems extremely comfortable up on stage in front of thousands of people. Singing and dancing to The Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back,” he’s a born superstar and was able to spar pretty quickly with the judges. “Do you know what just happened?” asked Howie. “I just went to Vegas!”

Spencer Horsman: He’s not really a little kid even though he looks like one. Spencer is the youngest escape artist ever and I hope you are prepared for the most intense minute-and-thirty-seconds of your life because I’m pretty sure I almost peed my pants there at the end. Strapped into a straitjacket, he hung upside down with his feet attached to some bear-trap death machine, which would clamp shut on him when fire burned through the rope attached to it. Spencer got out at the very last second which was probably intentional for the maximum adrenaline rush from the audience. I really can’t wait to see what else he’s got.

Irish Dancing Beauty Queens: Cute with the little one in the middle, but I’m having a hard time deciding who’s creepier between them and the Jabbawockez Irish Dancers.

Jake Wesley “Bieber” Rogers: WGWG playing an Adele song. Could he be more 2012?

Act(s) That Went Through to Vegas (But Probably Shouldn’t Have):

Cut Throat Freak Show: This might be a bit biased because I hate these kinds of acts. I can never watch, but AGT likes to put them on for the danger factor. If the leader of the group looks familiar, that’s because he was on some random episode of WifeSwap and it’s really sad that I knew that without having to look it up. CandyPants was my favorite though, simply because of the  name CandyPants. The act stepped on broken beer bottles, lifted a chair with their eyelids and shoved a sword down their throats. Howard and Howie voted them through while Sharon was an adamant no.

Acts That Got X’d:

Tom Bonham: When you start your introduction by walking up to a group of bikers and asking if they like puppets, things in life will not go well for you. Bonham was a puppeteer and not a tremendously good one at that. The audience quickly booed at him, but of course Howie loves these sort of acts and said yes to Vegas. However, Sharon said no.

Drum Lady Band (Sans Band): The band had something more pressing to do than going on America’s Got Talent, so the Drum Lady Band was just the drum lady.

7-Up Can Crusher: “A chick almost hit me in the face with her cans!” -Howie Mandel

Lil’ Ozzy: It was kinda weird seeing Ozzy’s mini-me and I’m sure if Sharon could, she’d take him home and put him in a glass case or something. He sang a song that Ozzy wrote for Sharon, but towards the chorus, he went flat and the crowd turned on him, booing him loudly throughout the rest of his time. He got a hug from Sharon though as a consolation prize. And really, that’s all that matters, right?

Ron Christopher Porter Jr.: I’m going to start a petition and get this guy as Nick Cannon’s partner on the show or something. Nick can be the Ryan Dunkleman of the show now because Ron is most definitely the Ryan Seacrest. Dressed as The Black Effeminate Al Borland, his act as Voiceover Guy didn’t go over so well with the judges, but he was allowed to hang out with an instantly more effiminate Nick backstage for the rest of the show and even go home with him afterwards. That’s way better than a trip to Vegas.