ANTM: College Edition Recap: The Girl Who Gets Called A Racist (Cycle 19, Episode 1)

 

Welcome back to America’s Next Top Model, that slightly insane relative that refuses to take the hint that it shouldn’t be coming over to your house anymore. We’re back to Original Recipe . . . kind of. Casting call is back for the first time since Cycle 15, there will be no guest judges, and the episodes are back to being titled, “The Girl . . . ” because Tyra has to copy me.

 

It’s not a brand-new cycle of Top Model without an over-the-top Tyra intro package where she gets to flex her acting muscles. This time she and who I assume is Zach Galifanakis in drag both try to come up with ideas to give the show an H2T makeover. And because Tyra just graduated from Harvard with a brand-spankin’ new diploma thingy, she just HAS to do a college edition. You know, before the show gets cancelled and everything. Totes-Amaze, y’all! Whatever the heck that means.

Tyra’s even got some Big Harvard Ideas for the show, like the new interactive voting thing, which nobody understands. Honestly, I liked the baby idea that DraGalifanakis had, but maybe next cycle.

 

 

30 girls from colleges, universities, beauty schools and online colleges from across the nation gather to the tamest and lamest college party I’ve ever seen. DJ Taryn Manning is there to announce Tyra and then collect her paycheck. You can tell Tyra never gets tired of all that screaming when girls see her, which is probably why this show is in its 19th cycle. Also, I am not digging Ty-Ty’s new look for this episode. Did she fire her stylists too cause it looks like she just hurried out of the shower without even putting in conditioner. Man, I don’t know if this is worse than Fedora Tyra that we’ve had for the past few cycles, but it’s way up there. There is no effort put into that look.

 

Anyway, introducing the new judges . . . and one very old one. Kelly Cutrone is still with us. Why Tyra kept her and fired everyone else is beyond me, but I don’t have a Harvard degree. I’m also surprised that no one in the audience booed. These are not true Top Model fans. New faces include Rob Evans, our Nigel Bahr-ker stand-in. I love Nigel, but I’m okay with Rob as a replacement. He’s younger, fresher, but still has that sexy accent. I dub him Nigel 2.0. And standing in for Jay Manuel is Johnny Wujek, who has one heck of a lisp. His biggest (and only?) achievement is styling Katy Perry “on top of a whole lotta other people.” Boy, that came out wrong.

 

And in case you didn’t already know, YOU are the fourth judge. Yes, you! You there, sitting on your butt covered in Cheet-o dust. And this whole episode won’t let YOU forget it. I think they reminded me twelve times to vote, but I don’t know why I should now since the show’s already been filmed and the winner’s probably already decided, so . . . GAH! Don’t think too hard about it! Just tweet and vote, you Neanderthal.

Tyra wants YOU to vote for America’s Next Top Model. Cause we need the ratings

As happens in most college parties, the girls get into their bikinis and do a side-by-side walk-off followed by a photoshoot. While the girls walk and pose, little tweets pop up on the screen. I’m highly suspicious as to if  they’re really the texts or tweets that people have been sending because I can understand all of them without having to decipher any obscure acronyms. Plus, none of them were embarassingly auto-corrected. And one of the texts had the phrase Tippity Top Model in it. That reeks of Tyra’s team.

no pot nobooze no boobiez party blowz lols!!!1! -what they’re really texting

At the casting call, we get a closer look at each of the girls.

Stand-outs:

Laura, the offspring of a Dynasty alum and Miss Australia, gets her own mini makeover, or should I say jank-over because Tyra really does a number on her.

 

I liked Destiny, who could pass as Lisa Bonet, and now I want to put her in a Cosby sweater and make her dance around. She’s had a rough upbringing (which Tyra LOVES!) A lot of people have helped her to get onto the show, so let’s hope she doesn’t screw it up and quit.

 

Gap-toothed Leila was told that she had potential. Johnny Wujek liked her gap. I think by now, we’re over the gap in the teeth being a big beauty detriment, especially after Danielle, and then Chelsea. But she’s got that Ann Ward-plain-look going for her and she can probably rock a shoot when she has more to work with than just white cardboard behind her.

 

Lousiana State girl, Darian has legs that go on for miles and she was the lucky one of the bunch to get to work it around Rob. She even got to put her face in his crotch, which I’m sure Tyra only wished she could do.

 

Jessie has a “world-class ass” but you wouldn’t know it since Top Model Editors blurred it out. Apparently we can’t handle seeing it because it is really just THAT amazing. Maybe it’s like seeing the Ark of the Covenant – you look at it and your face melts off. That will be my goal this cycle then — to get an unblurred look at Jessie’s ass. And live.

 

Nastascia, who reminds me of Gabrielle from Cycle 14, is a popper-and-locker and Tyra was so impressed because it gave her a chance to reference an earlier season where she taught the girls how to pop and lock. I don’t remember that episode, but if someone wants to give me a heads-up, that’d be great. For now, I’m calling b.s. on that one, Ty.

 

Yvonne is the plus-size girl of the group and she’s got some good curves on her and isn’t shy to show them off.

 

Kiara seemed to get the most screen time out of the bunch so I smell a front-runner up in here. She was beaten down, broken down and homeless, but she didn’t dwell on that part of her life, no matter how much Tyra wanted her to cry about it. Good for her. She worked hard to get her scholarship into college and she might go far in the competition.

 

Speaking of broke-down girls, no casting session is complete without a few crazies:

I said that a gap may not be so shocking anymore for this cycle, so Ivory would like to see Leila’s gap and raise her an entire tooth missing. Even Tyra was a little weirded out by it, but maybe that’s the new changing look of beauty, Ms. Banks! She can even put her fist in her mouth, so there’s that.

The new face of beauty

Victoria. Where do I start with Victoria? Looking past the fact that she dressed as if she were competing for last cycle . . .

 

 

. . . she’s about as black sheep as she can get in this crowd of girls. She was homeschooled and now goes to an online university, which automatically gives the girls enough ammunition to make fun of her all the time. Victoria started well in her casting, but then it just dove right off the tracks when Tyra asked her to respond to one of her Facebook haters. “I’m Jewish and Native American. My people were led off on the Trail of Tears and the Holocaust. If you have a problem with my face, well then . . . you’re a racist.”

 

 

It was Top Model Gold, I tell you. Nobody knew what to do or say about that. And it didn’t even faze Victoria what she had said because she thought she did amazing. You know, I’d personally like to respond to Melissa, the Victoria-Facebook Hater myself:

Melissa, whereever you are, whatever you are doing, thank you for having the courage to write that comment because you gave me such entertainment. Please continue to put remarks like this under Victoria’s photos. I want you to frustrate Victoria. I want you to make her work her butt off just to please you. I want her to get fed up with you always saying she has a boring face no matter what she tries to do. Insult her arms. Insult her eyebrows. Insult her intelligence at “attending” an online university. Please, for those of us still watching the show, do it for us.

Brittany is a Disney Girl (OMG! Squee!)  and Tyra says that the fans have written that she could be memorable. Let’s forget for a second that someone wrote that based on a white background-bikini clad photo, which is the opposite of memorable, and just assume that “memorable” here will soon mean “really annoying.”

 

 

Kaci was another girl who had to beg a fan that she would do better. But she also got to sing her own  made-up song about Top Model only because the show doesn’t have it in the budget to get copyrights right now.

 

Kristin will be the Resident Bad Girl, but I’m getting more Alexandria vibes from her than Bianca vibes, if you know what I mean. She’s not playing up the whole bad girl thing just yet, at least not in front of the other girls. But she has a history — she got suspended from high school for “physical and verbal altercations multiple times.” But she tells us she’s “changed” and “matured,” but we all know that’s a crock. We’ll just have to see who has the misfortune of making her blow up.

She has her evil laugh down pat though

Jasmine . . . likes to meow . . . I guess. Lady Kat was done way back in Cycle 4. Next!

 

Maria, who is going for a degree in Indiana Jonesing and doesn’t like people thinking she’s dumb.

 

Finally, the college party has ended and you know it wasn’t very good because the house is still standing and there aren’t any naked people all over the lawn. Tyra first announces the prize packages:

No Smizing required at Smashbox.

  • A fashion feature in Nylon Magazine
  • Face of Top Model’s fragrance, Dream Come True
  • Modeling contract with L.A. models and NY Model Management
  • Campaigns with Nine West and Smashbox
  • $100,000 cash prize

Wow. Those prizes suck compared to the last few seasons. Did Tyra fire CoverGirl and Vogue too? No recording contract? I guess that wasn’t much of a prize anyway since I never even heard anything remotely musical from Lisa or Sophie. But still . . . those are like Cycle 3 style prizes. It’s a bit hard to get excited about that when just last season had a spread in Vogue Italia.

And the girls going into the sorority house and vying for these “prizes” are:

Kristin

Nastascia

laura

Allyssa (and her janked-up shorts)

Destiny

Kiara

Leila

Darian

Maria

Jessie

Brittany (whose dreams have all come true now, all because she wished upon a star)

and Victoria, who barely refrains from giving an acceptance speech.

 

We get a quick twenty-second peek into the house, featuring a Sporty-Fierce, Geek Chic, and a Pink Room. The Pink Room doesn’t seem very college-y to me, but okay. There should have been like The Library Room and the only books in there are books written by or about Tyra. Missed opportunity there, Ty! Did you even go to college?

It’s like Tic Tac Toe, but with Groucho Marx faces.

 

ANTM Extra Frames of the Night:

“The judging panel could be Suri Cruise, Blu Ivy Carter and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. No, I think that’s been done before.” -An exchange between DraGalifanakis and Tyra. I think this was a reference to something, but I have no idea what.

Laura’s mother had the right reaction to the news that America’s voting. “OH NOOO!!!”

“You can be ‘just pretty.’ It’s worked for the last 19 years of my life.” -Kristin

A Louise Moment from last cycle when she wigged out over Kelly Cutrone. Thank you, Top Model Editors!

Also that the Youtube video for Tyra and DraGalifanakis has over 1,156,000 views. And Tyra’s shirt says, “Oh My Smize”

So how does everyone feel about the self-proclaimed “Comeback Season?” Any thoughts on this new social networking thing that’s been shoved in our faces? It’s like Tyra just suddenly discovered this new Facebook/Tweeting thing and wants to tell us all about it. I do like the return back-to-form for Top Model, with less guest judges and (for now) less emphasis on pop/celebrity culture. None of the girls really stand out as models, but it was one lousy shoot so I’ll have to give it time. No feelings yet on Rob and Johnny.  Tyra’s do, however, has got to go.

Not Totes-Amaze.

Next episode, the girls do runway in a strip club and Victoria gets stuck in a glass case of emotion!