ANTM: College Edition Recap: The Girl Who Should Just Stick Her Butt in the Hole (Cycle 19, Episode 2)

Hm, that title may not be suitable for work. Sorry.

We’re back with the Final 13 models representing colleges all across America, and America couldn’t be prouder. Ugh, what if you spent thousands of dollars on your daughter’s college tuition and she said that she wanted to take a semester off to compete on America’s Next Top Model posing as a dead deer head? That has to be worse than hearing she’s pregnant.

Since we are in “college,” Tyra’s ramped up the judging a bit. At the top of the episode, she met with the girls and cleared up any confusion as to how the “fan” “votes” would work. Each girl will have a judges score plus a challenge score plus a social media score all tallied together and that will determine who stays and who goes. Blegh! I didn’t go to college to do more math, Tyra, and I certainly don’t need it from you. That’s way too many numbers and it takes all the fun out of guessing who you’re going to send home based on what message you’re trying to send that day.

But there’s much more. The girl who gets best photo that week will get the key to the city — or the Tyra Suite, which is the master bedroom of the house with its own RISE and SMIZE pillows, motivational posters all over the walls and its very own walk-in fashion closet. And you know that Tyra and Rob Evans have tainted every surface of that room.

Ugh, more math.

Even better, each girl who gets top photo will bank $10,000 to go towards a scholarship, but it can ONLY be collected if they win the whole kit and caboodle. You know, I can get behind that. That’s a worthy prize. Let’s just hope the girl doesn’t blow it on make-up or something.

Downstairs, the girls were treated to Iota Theta Phi step team, a group of “chocolate” men who can make their own human jumprope. Um . . . this is great and everything, but what does this have to do with anythi—oh hey, Rob Evans!

I don’t remember what we were talking about now. To the strip club for our challenge!

Okay, it’s not really a strip club, just a club — Club Eden. There, Rob and Jonte’, a choreographer and performer, told the girls their challenge was to please the customers, uh fans, and do their best strut down the walkway, and no, I don’t know what this has to do with modeling at all. Destiny said it the best: “I figure any way you spin it, you’re gonna look like a ho.” Well, time to see which one of these girls is paying their way through college with singles.

Each of the girls awkwardly tried to be sexy and most of them didn’t really know what they were doing. Jessie and Kristin ended up getting in the bottom, Jessie for destroying the fantasy of her androgyny the second she got up onstage, and Kristin for doing the unthinkable and pulling her skirt down so that the crowd wouldn’t see her goodies. The nerve of some people.

Leila made a “connection with her environment” by smacking her head into the hoop, and Maria seemed to act like she didn’t want it because, as the girls claimed, “she’s from Harvard.” It was Yvonne who took home the prize for lifting up her leg and no doubt giving everybody in the crowd what they went there to see.

At the end of the challenge, DraGalifanakis, who I guess is going to be a regular fixture from now on, showed up to give the girls Tyra Mail. The girls were kind enough to give some background on who exactly this guy is — a Youtube celebrity. And that’s why I’ve never heard of him because unless it’s dogs doing head tilts or babies laughing, I don’t much care.

Back at the house, Destiny wondered aloud why she got such a lousy score in the challenge. Kiara, taking this as an offer for her honest opinion, decided to give her two-cents worth. “It may have been, like, too sexy? You know? Too stripper-ish?” This threw Destiny off-guard and she began to tell the other girls what she said. Kiara went on the defensive and told Destiny that if she had a problem, she should talk to her about it. “If you got somethin’ in yo’ teeth, don’t you want me to tell you that you got somethin’ in yo teeth? Yes, you do!” Yes, but you’re not implying that I am that mashed-up piece of spinach in my teeth.

Kiara’s emerged as one who has a bit of a problem with the other girls and after this argument, nobody in the house really likes her. My favorite part though was when one girl asked why she was getting so defensive and Kiara blurted out, “Nobody asked for your opinion.” Pot, kettle.

Another girl in the house who seemed to be getting plenty of screen time was Victoria, and the Top Model casting directors really found a winner with her. When she wasn’t doing morning jazzercises that would make Richard Simmons jealous, she was freaking everyone out with her way-too-close relationship with her mother. Victoria confessed to the girls that she was a virgin and that she didn’t need a man in her life because she had her mother. There’s a good reason this would give everyone a wiggins since it was Norman Bates who said, “A boy’s best friend is his mother” and look how well he turned out. I give her two more episodes before she’s running around the house in a nightgown and wig wielding a giant butcher knife.

Hey, speaking of Psycho, this week’s photoshoot had a taxidermy bent to it where the girls got to pose as animal heads. Guest photographer was Shenae Grimes from 90210. In panel, the judges were joined by Bryanboy, a prominent fashion blogger, whose thankless job is to compile all of the social media data together and read it aloud at Tyra’s discretion. Judges then gave their scores out of ten with Kelly first, Rob second and Tyra third. Remember, the social media comments and scores are based only on the picture and the begging video they filmed online.

Yvonne: Kelly called her a shih-tzu, but Tyra thought she looked like a bull. The fans “love” her. 6-6-6

Kiara: She had the lowest social media scores out of the bunch, which means the Internet did not really like her big-eared Maleficent photo. 7-8-7

Jessie: Kelly said she looked like an actress in a horror movie, not a model. Lil’ Velma here had no control over her face and Tyra, with the help of some nifty Top Model editing, tried to show her how she can use all sorts of micro-muscles in her face. Internet thought she needed to show more personality, but Jessie had it right at the photo shoot — her butt is her best asset and she should have just stuck it through the hole for the photo. 4-4-5

Laura: The judges loved the way she caught the light and she had a high fashion look about her. Tyra confused everyone by saying that she had an “intensity, but a blankness” about her. 8-8-9

Maria: Receiving a 5-6-6, veryone agreed that her photo wasn’t quite good. Kelly pointed out that she needed to work her angles and Ms. Harvard fired back with “I was working my angles.” Commence Tyra Glare.

Leila: The judges loved her photo and thought it was very different and high fashion. She received all tens. I didn’t pay attention to what the bloggers said because all I could think was yellow popsicle. Mmmm, yellow popsicle . . .

Darian: The Internet has spoken and it is that everyone hates Darian’s braids. They are a little late 90’s Brandy, but that could come back in a few years. Another confusing Tyra moment – “You have a smize, but we needed a dead smize, not an alive smize.” No example of a dead smize was given. 5-5-6

Brittany: Judges thought she had too much attitude in her photo. The Internetters pushed Princess Brittany to tears when they said she looked like a Mean Girl and arrogant in her photo. I don’t quite understand why someone would cry over that seeing as how they posted that based only on a photo and not how she really is,  but okay. I guess there are no mean things said in the Magic Kingdom. 9-6-7

Kristin: She’s a big hit with the public, but the judges thought her photo was just resting on pretty. Kristin also had a bit of an attitude on set and ended up wiping her face sweat off on Johnny Wujek’s sleeve. 9-7-8

Allyssa: Two words: Electroshock Therapy. 5-6-7

Victoria: The only thing Rob could do was laugh, which made him my favorite judge of the night because that’s all I want to do when I see Victoria. The judges agreed that there was no model there and Kelly thought it was too intense. 5-6-8

Nastascia: Which means “Resurrector of the Dead,” so there’s that, in case you were planning on naming your daughter Nastascia. Tyra liked that she went for it, but Rob thought he’d like it better if her mouth was closed. 7-8-8

Destiny: Boring. Another model that doesn’t look or “scream” model. 6-5-6

No deliberation this cycle. The numbers deliberate for us. Call-out order was:

Leila

Nastascia

Brittany

Laura

Kristin

Kiara

Yvonne

Allyssa

Victoria

Darian

Maria

 

That left Jessie and Destiny in the bottom. But Tyra’s not deciding who stays and who goes — it’s you guys. So it’s your fault that Velma’s going home, not Tyra’s.

OR IS SHE?!

Apparently, there’s a comeback series where Jessie will be doing photoshoots right alongside the other girls and potentially coming back into the competition. So I guess I don’t have to give up that cycle-long goal of seeing her amazing derriere.

On the other hand, I guess I shouldn’t care who gets sent home now.

Jinkies!

ANTM Extra Frames of the Night:

The judges each got a heavenly glow around their heads at the top of the hour. My favorite was Kelly Cutrone.

The girls have a big Alice in Wonderland/Wizard’s chess in their backyard.

I’d take a shark head mounted on my wall over a deer head any day.

Tyra’s face on Nastascia’s photo

“I’m having a weird and confusing conglomeration of emotions right now.” -Victoria. Or how I feel watching Victoria.

“You have $10,000 shopping bags under your eyes.” -The Internet, on Maria.

 

Next week, Kelly takes all the fun out of Makeovers by letting the girls have the choice to get makeovers.

Exactly.

 

P.S. How do we like the new intro? I don’t know about you, but now I realize what was missing from the last few cycle intros — sexy Tyra-on-Rob action.